2. Bleed. It's gross. We don't care where it's coming from or why it's happening. Don't do it. We'll never look at you the same. It's not like your bleeding has to do with some amazing power to procreate. It's just coming out of you from a cut or something pathetic like that and that is just disgusting. If you want that ring, you won’t do it.
3. Have Gross Body Parts. You think it's funny when you're rubbing your extended paunch and yelling "I'm having a beer baby!" Yeah, we're laughing, but at you, not with you and then googling Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum and jerking off to them when we're "showering."
4. Talk About Jerking Off. We get it. Guys jerk off all the time and even make the hand gesture as a symbol of boredom or annoyance sending the mixed message that jerking off is not a great thing for you. Well, no wonder, when you do it, it looks weird. No lady is googling "Guys Jerking Off Porn," but men look up "Ladies Jerking Off Porn" ALL the time. I even look it up.
Sometimes, I look in the mirror when I do it. You know why? Because we look great when we do it. If anyone should talk about it, it should be us, but we can't because you'll jerk off to it and we'll know it and you look stupid when you do it and then we won’t want to do it. (Look up the Louis CK joke about this, but don't laugh along this time. Just think about it.)
5. Get Sick. You don’t look adorable like we do when we get sick. You act like weak, little babies when you do and we don’t like hearing the whining. And for God’s sake, don’t sneeze in front of us. Do you know what your face looks like when you do that? It gets all scrunchy. Keep it inside and go fix something or better yet, be a man and just don’t get sick, especially if you want that ring.
6. Be too Hairy. You think it's gross on women? Have you looked in the mirror lately? You’ve got at least double the hair we have and it tends to have a weird texture. Settle in for a lifetime of hair care or we’re divorcing you. Brad Pitt and Channing Tatum aren’t hairy. They’re both married. Think about it.