Time and again, lonely, pathetic women like yourself need help with the same issue: “He thinks I’m annoying. I have a photo album of our future babies;” “He ignores me. I watch him through his window;” etc., etc. So, how do you get the guy who thinks you’re gross to make sex with you?
Follow these FIVE easy steps:
1. Spark His Interest: Send your guy selfies of your boobs and your butt, except do it in a panda suit and call yourself “Da Xiong Mao” because that’s fun and sexy!
2. Tantalize Him: Leave voice messages on his phone speaking in Old Modern English about his body parts. Example: “Here ye, here ye, I do fancy a bulgeth in ye cloak, Sire!” Or “I do protesteth! How I yearn for ye posterior in thy hand for a fortnight!” Make sure to do the accent because that’s exotic and sexy!
3. Arouse Him: When your guy least expects it and is therefore, unable to guard himself, put your body on him. Here’s a hot move: Run up from behind, jump and land on him with a tight, bear hug around his chest. Do NOT let go. Just hold on as tight as you can and let out a moan, while gradually making it louder. Then, start crying and break into a hum of “The Star Spangled Banner.” It’s musical and sexy!
4. Seduce Him: Use the language of love. Tell him that he’s sexed you before. If a guy thinks he’s done it with a lady in the past, no matter how putrid he finds her, he’s likely to do it again. Lie to him and see what happens! It’s spontaneous and sexy!
5. Confuse Him: Cover your special guy’s eyes with a blind fold and tell him he’s falling asleep. Then to help him ease into dreamland, start spinning him around in circles until he’s so dizzy he falls. At that point, immediately get into outer spoon position until he fights his way out of your grip. It’s romantic and sexy!