Valentine's Day is upon us, as you must know. It's impossible not to know. Thanks, Obama! (Just kidding). It seems that I've presented myself as being very cynical on the topic of LOVE, but the truth is I'm not. I've actually always been quite hopeful, but scared to death about it. So scared, that I've sabotaged love on a number of ocassions; so scared, I made sure to convince those I loved I didn't; so scared, I made sure to convince MYSELF I didn't love anyone. I've even said many times that I've never actually felt it. I have. I don't think I've always known it at the time. Sometimes it wasn't the real deal. It was just an obsessive crush on someone out of reach and there was an intensity that felt love-like (sort of like in contrived movies that are shoved down our throats. Thanks, Hollywood!) and sometimes it really was. I think I know now when it was real. Real love is when you care more about that person than you care about protecting yourself. When you speak honestly, take risks because it's more important for them to know how you feel than to worry about looking stupid or feeling vulnerable. I've done that and I'm getting better at that, but I still question what love really is. I've felt like I've loved people I really didn't know in a day-to-day-this-is-how-we-function-together-as-ordinary-people kind of way--like going to the grocery store and doing mundane things together type of love. I feel like you have to experience ordinary day to day stuff or you really haven't gotten to know that person. So maybe I've felt love, but not in a long-lasting way. Fuck. I don't know.
I've learned you can easily fall out of love, especially if it wasn't the real thing and sometimes, no matter how much you feel like you love someone, you have to force yourself to stop loving them because you see that whatever is going on between you and that person is doing more harm than good. That's a toughy. It's so hard to walk away from that feeling, from that hope, however tiny, that maybe you can be with someone for whom you feel so strongly, but is just not the right one for you or at least not right now. You think that maybe if you change something or do something different, things will get better, but that's not how it works and facing up to that is a challenge. That takes being honest with yourself, which is NO fun. Being honest with yourself is like saying, "I'm stupid" instead of "I'm a bad test-taker" (nice one, America). Loving yourself is not easy either. It's easy to say--I love me, but it also means not calling yourself a stupid idiot when you send a meaningful, drunk text and that's hard because you are a stupid idiot for that. It's taken me a long time, maybe way too long to get to the point where I can say I love and accept me. I'm still working on it. You know that stupid saying, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else or something like that? I think it might be true.
I've been loved by people and it felt good, but they weren't always who I loved, but I loved them enough not to want to hurt them, so I tried to love them the way they wanted me to, but you can't force that kind of love and you're left feeling more sad for them and disappointed in yourself for it. It does leave me wondering, was I walking away from healthy love, having falsely convinced myself that love should feel torturous and painfully intense? I realize now that love shouldn't feel THAT awful. That kind of love is more about dealing with past demons and trying to fix those demons in the now than it is about really loving someone. By the way, you can't do that. It doesn't work. Don't try. Just watch a Lifetime Network Movie and watch them try to fix their past demons and then laugh at them because you know better. Idiots!
I've unknowingly equated intense sexual attraction with love and accidentally used sex as a way to be close to someone, all the while convincing myself that I didn't really care and I'm just here for the physical satisfaction. In fact, when I'm most scared or uncomfortable or hurt, I amp up the sexual side of myself because that's easy to control and manage and I know the outcome and can't be hurt when they don't return love or feelings or care about me. Hey, I don't care either! But I do. Sex can be very confusing. Without any emotional attachment I lose physical interest pretty quickly, even if it's good, but if I have some emotional tie, it can endure. With that said, intense sexual attraction, at least for me, must include some emotional or mental component. I can certainly separate sex from emotions. I've done it, but it's only fulfilling in the short term and therefore rather unfulfilling in the end. It only happens a few times and it's fun and might even go on record as some of the best, physically speaking, but it's forgettable and easily replaceable at the same time. Sex does not equal emotional attachment and I hate when people say that about women. I can confirm that I can have it and feel nothing. Obviously, women can have emotionally detached sex. Watch porn. If those ladies are crying afterwards, it's probably because they got jizz in their eyes.
People say, "hey, it's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." Ummm... geez, I don't know. To love and lose is really fucking awful. Love is really a whole bunch of crazy feelings and then losing is another slew of whacky feelings and they're all difficult to deal with. Not feeling at all saves you from that rollercoaster of emotions and is also really great for obsessing over your career or kid or hobby or something worthwhile and getting great at those things. The downside of not feeling is seeing people happy together (I don't buy it half the time. I mean, come on) and having to fix things by yourself and having to carry really heavy objects by yourself or going home wanting to share something with someone, but your dog doesn't really get how great it was that some comic you admire gave you a genuine and heartfelt compliment about your set that night or going through something pretty traumatic and going home and having no one to lay next to you and watch a TV series on Netflix for five hours straight--that silent act is remarkably comforting. So, ok fine, not feeling is no picnic in the park either.
Which finally leads me to simple love. Does that really exist? I've read about it, I suppose I've witnessed it. I've been told you shouldn't feel all the extreme ups and downs of "falling" for someone. That simple love is about having a great friend or partner in life you can count on and that sex isn't THAT important and passion is really just for the movies.. Well, I believe people to be happy and fulfilled that way. I just don't know that I would be. Maybe because I still have intimacy issues, but I also couldn't feel satisfied with a decent paying office job (I made it sound like I don't have one, but I do), which some people seem to be. (I've heard these people even like meetings! Who likes those?? Maybe people who like simple love..) I'm not ready to settle for just a growing 401K and I guess I'm not ready to settle for just a reliable pal with whom I have mediocre sex. Maybe one day, but not quite yet.
Life is complicated, so I can't imagine that love isn't. It's just how you deal with those complications. I've not always dealt very well with them and I'm sorry to those who have been on the receiving end. Just know that the worse I was at it, most likely the more I cared. I say what I don't mean half the time and do what I don't intend to the other half of the time and then blame that person for my behavior because of how they were acting. That's not fair. I know and I said I was sorry!
The one thing I've really learned about love is overthinking it is absolutely no good. It's all about following your gut, which I've really begun to trust again and it knows things! I wonder if it knows what's up with Kanye and his odd behavior at awards ceremonies..
At the moment, I don't want to be in a relationship. In fact the thought of it makes me anxious and feel nauseas. That feeling could also be a result of a weird smell coming out of my fridge, which I have chosen to ignore. I need a break and I want to focus on me and my goals outside of love. Eventually, I'd like a relationship and I hope I'll be ready and in a good place when that time comes and then I'll meet Norm MacDonald and we'll live happily ever after (who, by the way, should be on the TOP of any SNL list anyone makes EVER). I wonder how he is with kids..